The Deeper Layer Beneath the Patterns

Patterns in relationships don’t come out of nowhere.

They’re shaped by something deeper that’s already active inside us.

Across the previous posts, we’ve looked at the patterns couples fall into during conflict.

Criticism and defensiveness.

Resentment and contempt.

Pursue and withdraw.

Most couples recognise these patterns quickly.

They can often describe them in detail.

And yet, even when the pattern is clear, it can still be difficult to change.

Because the pattern is not the deepest layer of what is happening.

It is the visible expression of something deeper.

What We Are Actually Seeing

When you sit with a pattern long enough, something becomes noticeable.

The argument is rarely about what it appears to be about.

Something else is shaping the experience.

The content may change.

The topic may shift.

But the emotional experience feels familiar.

At the same time, something else begins to stand out.

The field of experience narrows.

Certainty increases.

Flexibility drops.

The same interpretations repeat.

Each person becomes more convinced that they understand what is happening.

And less able to consider anything outside that view.

From the outside, this can sometimes look almost exaggerated.

As if each person is seeing only a very small part of the situation, and treating it as the whole.

What Changes in These Moments

In these moments, something important has shifted.

The person is no longer aware of their experience in the same way.

Their awareness has narrowed.

They are inside it.

Identified with it.

The thoughts feel true.

The reactions feel necessary.

There is little space between what is happening and how they are responding to it.

At the same time, something else is affected.

Their ability to see the other person.

They may still be looking at their partner.

They may still be hearing words.

But they are not responding to the other person as they are in that moment.

They are responding to what the moment means through their own experience.

How Perception Becomes Distorted

When the pattern is active, perception changes.

People often believe they are responding directly to what was said or done.

But something else is happening.

They are responding to the meaning they have assigned to the moment.

That meaning is not neutral.

It is shaped by what is already active inside them.

Past experience.

Emotional memory.

Attachment history.

Current vulnerability.

In this work, I refer to these influences as relational forces.

These forces shape how a moment is interpreted, often before a person is fully aware of it.

A partner does not just hear what was said.

They hear what it means, almost instantly.

“I’m being judged.”

“They don’t care.”

“This always happens.”

These interpretations feel immediate.

They feel accurate.

And once they are in place, they begin to guide the interaction.

The Internal Nature of the Distortion

It is important to understand where this distortion is happening.

This is not about deciding who is right or wrong.

It is not about proving that the other person is misperceiving reality.

The place to look is within your own experience, not in proving the other person wrong.

How am I interpreting this moment?

What meaning am I assigning to what just happened?

This is where the work begins.

Not in correcting the other person.

But in becoming aware of how your own experience is being shaped.

Why It Feels So Real

These interpretations happen quickly.

They are not the result of careful reflection.

They emerge automatically.

It is part of the process by which the unconscious influences our conscious life.

By the time a person becomes aware of them, they are often already in place.

Because they are connected to emotion, memory, and experience, they carry a strong sense of truth.

They do not feel like interpretations.

They feel like reality.

Until we begin to recognise these processes, they shape how we see things, and we experience that as reality itself (Jung, 1960).

And when something feels real in that way, the body responds.

The nervous system activates.

The pattern begins to take over.

There is another capacity available.

The ability to become aware of what is happening as it is happening.

In this work, I refer to this as presence.

Presence changes our relationship to these forces.

Instead of being fully inside the reaction, we begin to notice it.

And as that awareness increases, what once felt like reality begins to be recognised as experience.

Patterns as Expressions of Something Deeper

From this perspective, patterns are not random.

They are the surface expression of these deeper forces.

Each pattern is shaped by how these forces interact within and between two people.

This is why understanding the pattern is not enough.

To change the pattern, we have to understand what is driving it.

Where This Leads

In the chapters that follow, we will look more closely at these relational forces.

Fear.

Shame.

Longing.

Expectations.

Projection.

These forces are not problems to eliminate.

They are part of being human.

But when they are not recognised, they shape how we see, how we feel, and how we respond to each other.

And in those moments, they can pull us into the very patterns we have been trying to change.

Understanding these forces is the next step in learning to remain present when it matters most, especially in moments when patterns usually take over.

References

Jung, C. G. (1960). The structure and dynamics of the psyche (R. F. C. Hull, Trans.). Princeton University Press.